Terry Doolittle: Drag the river! There are killers running around the fucking city!
Detective: How would you like me to wash your mouth out with a wire brush?
Terry Doolittle: How would you like if I kicked you in the nuts so hard they get lodged in your fucking nostrils?
Marty Phillips: My, that’s a vivid image, isn’t it?
Arthur Abbott: You know what I’ve been asking myself all night?
Iris: What? Why I’m bothering you with all these questions?
Arthur Abbott: I’m wondering why a beautiful girl like you would go to a strangers’ house for their Christmas Vacation, and on top of that spend Saturday night with an old cock-up like me.
Iris: Well, I just wanted to get away from all the people I see all the time!… Well, not all the people… one person. I wanted to get away from one… guy.[sobs] An ex-boyfriend who just got engaged and forgot to tell me.
Arthur Abbott: So, he’s a schmuck.
Iris: As a matter of fact, he is… a huge schmuck. How did you know?
Arthur Abbott: He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.
Iris: You’re so right. You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god’s sake! Arthur, I’ve been going to a therapist for three years, and she’s never explained anything to me that well. That was brilliant. Brutal, but brilliant.
Stock Boy: Excuse me sir, what are you doing?
George: I’ll tell you what I’m doing. I want to buy eight hot dogs and eight hot dog buns to go with them. But no one sells eight hot dog buns. They only sell twelve hot dog buns. So I end up paying for four buns I don’t need. So I am removing the superfluous buns.
Stock Boy: I’m sorry sir, but you’re going to have to pay for all twelve buns; they’re not marked individually.
George: Yeah. And you want to know why? Because some big-shot over at the wiener company got together with some big-shot over at the bun company and decided to rip off the American public. Because they think the American public is a bunch of trusting nit-wits who will pay for everything they don’t need rather than make a stink.
Assistant Manager of Supermarket: Get me security.
George: Well they’re not ripping of this nitwit anymore because I’m not paying for one more thing I don’t need. George Banks is saying NO!
Stock Boy: Who’s George Banks?